crsdnz (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} crsdnz) wrote,@ 2009-05-13 12:26:00 |
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An honest post...
I didn't say it would be an interesting one or an important one, just an honest one.
Lately, due to the arrival of my period this morning, I have been in one of those terribly bitchy moods of mine. I am usually a very easy going and fun person. In fact most people only see this part of me (luckily) and so have this wonderful conception that I am almost without flaw. Let's face it, at least in personality, compared to most other people, I am. (Except for my obvious over confidence, which I admit is my biggest flaw)
Anyway, the only people who do get to see this darker side of me are my family, my closest friends (which are VERY few), and my boyfriends.
It is of these last who I feel the worst for. So far as family goes, no matter what I say or do, they will most likely love me forever. Those friends that I consider my closest are also people who I have grown up with and are already as close as family, and as time has proven have gone through these things just as family... but boyfriends.... they are so complicated to place.
On the one hand they are as close as your best friends, and if your planning on marrying them about to be your family. You love them so much (assuming your in a long-term relationship) that at times you put them above your own family and friends. You share everything with them and they with you, they love you, they would do anything for you. On the other, they are not under any fixed guarantee, making them as fleeting as an aquaintance.
This is where, I feel, it gets sad/ romantic. You see, I think about this every time I know I have been a bitch to them. I'm in a bad mood for no reason and they do something really small that you decide is wrong/ offensive/ too nice, honestly it could be anything, the truth is there really is no reason to get mad. Yet, because I need to blow off steam and because I know they love me too much at this point to leave me, I let it out on them with harsh words/ no words at all. It's sad because they wonder why, you could see it in their poor faces, the "what did I do?" face. It's even sadder when instead of fighting back they just ask you what's wrong and in some boyfriends cases start acting even sweeter. My response, is of course more hostility. How sad is that? Here they are talking to me in a baby voice saying things their friends would probably grill them for (in Derek's case in front of his friends!) and here I am realizing all of this and still choosing to be mean!
They could leave me, they could just say God you're such a bitch sometimes, and break up with me, but they don't. It's so sad it becomes romantic, and that's the saddest part of all, because that "romance" then turns it into the monthly cycle it is.
I guess the whole purpose of this post was just to thank my boyfriends for putting up with my shit. (If you have dated me, you know that they don't last long and that I always admit to my stupidity followed by a rant about how wonderful you are)
.... yeah I guess that's it.
I didn't say it would be an interesting one or an important one, just an honest one.
Lately, due to the arrival of my period this morning, I have been in one of those terribly bitchy moods of mine. I am usually a very easy going and fun person. In fact most people only see this part of me (luckily) and so have this wonderful conception that I am almost without flaw. Let's face it, at least in personality, compared to most other people, I am. (Except for my obvious over confidence, which I admit is my biggest flaw)
Anyway, the only people who do get to see this darker side of me are my family, my closest friends (which are VERY few), and my boyfriends.
It is of these last who I feel the worst for. So far as family goes, no matter what I say or do, they will most likely love me forever. Those friends that I consider my closest are also people who I have grown up with and are already as close as family, and as time has proven have gone through these things just as family... but boyfriends.... they are so complicated to place.
On the one hand they are as close as your best friends, and if your planning on marrying them about to be your family. You love them so much (assuming your in a long-term relationship) that at times you put them above your own family and friends. You share everything with them and they with you, they love you, they would do anything for you. On the other, they are not under any fixed guarantee, making them as fleeting as an aquaintance.
This is where, I feel, it gets sad/ romantic. You see, I think about this every time I know I have been a bitch to them. I'm in a bad mood for no reason and they do something really small that you decide is wrong/ offensive/ too nice, honestly it could be anything, the truth is there really is no reason to get mad. Yet, because I need to blow off steam and because I know they love me too much at this point to leave me, I let it out on them with harsh words/ no words at all. It's sad because they wonder why, you could see it in their poor faces, the "what did I do?" face. It's even sadder when instead of fighting back they just ask you what's wrong and in some boyfriends cases start acting even sweeter. My response, is of course more hostility. How sad is that? Here they are talking to me in a baby voice saying things their friends would probably grill them for (in Derek's case in front of his friends!) and here I am realizing all of this and still choosing to be mean!
They could leave me, they could just say God you're such a bitch sometimes, and break up with me, but they don't. It's so sad it becomes romantic, and that's the saddest part of all, because that "romance" then turns it into the monthly cycle it is.
I guess the whole purpose of this post was just to thank my boyfriends for putting up with my shit. (If you have dated me, you know that they don't last long and that I always admit to my stupidity followed by a rant about how wonderful you are)
.... yeah I guess that's it.
